Unwritten

No one reads this, but here are my thoughts as I sit at home with nothing to do.

Since I was a little girl learning how to put letters into words, words into sentences, and sentences into paragraphs of meaning, writing became necessary to who I am. I love words, I love their meanings as well as the connotations of those same words in different situations. I love eloquent words used with flourish, and I love colloquial words used to make up normal, or even coarse, conversation. Each word has it's purpose, to convey a feeling or an action or some sort of explanation for every situation. I suppose this is why I'm not so upset when people use curse words, because I see them simply as expressions of the way the person is feeling. I do get upset when people use them in regular language, as it is inappropriate but also shows a lack of intellect and respect for both others and him/herself on the speakers part. Words do not only tell a story, they also shed light on what is important to the storyteller. Take the story of Cinderella for example. Cinderella is a story known in almost every culture, whether by that particular name or another one. The Brothers Grimm tell a tale so morbid it becomes laughable and utterly outrageous, while the writers at Disney told a story of love and hope that defeats all odds and overcomes all obstacles. The Grimms thought to warn young ladies of the pitfalls of being vain and greedy, while the Disney writers wanted to encourage fanciful thoughts on love. Words are also interpreted differently by alternate readers. One person could read the Disney version of Cinderella and be totally captivated by the love story, while another person could read it and be disgusted by the sexism and glossy outlook on love which makes the first reader demand a perfect love as in the story.

I think it is fitting that Jesus is called the Word made flesh. He is the story and He is the storyteller. He is and He was and He will be. He not only told stories with his parables, but he told a story in how he lived and treated others. Jesus was nothing if not kind. I've decided that kindness is underused these days. It should be a virtue that permeates every part of our daily lives, and yet it is such a struggle to find someone who is naturally kind. In all of the Bible there is only one place that I can think of where you might argue that Jesus was unkind, but at the same time it was out of a righteous anger against the people who spurned God and God's holy temple. There were times when Jesus was asked a question and he would give the answer with no cushion, such as the time he told the wealthy man he must give up his wealth and possessions and follow him in order to be saved, but he was just truthful without coddling the man so that he could know the absolute truth rather than be misled. There was never any meanness, even in his righteous anger. If Jesus is the story and the storyteller, what is he trying to show us? What is he trying to teach us?

In all my life I have met only one person whom I would say follows the letter of God in regards to kindness. She always thinks of others first, always has a kind word to say, and even in her rare moments of anger or frustration, she finds something good in either the person or the situation that made her so. When I talk to her, (or rather complain to her since I am a person naturally hounded by mean spiritedness and a cruel and perverse sense of fun in cutting someone to the quick with wit and sarcasm) she always has a sense of kindness around her that when I get upset or am tempted to say something horrid about another person, I am reminded that it is wrong. She never sets me straight or tells me to stop complaining or meanly gossiping, but being around her reminds me that it is not how I should be acting. There is a holiness to her that is refreshing and keeps me thinking about how I act and the things I say. I have never met anyone who more resembles the salt of the earth and the light to the world as all Christians should be. Most people who think they are those things often irritate me because they hold themselves in such high esteem, but not her. She is truly humble in this, never thinking herself better than any other, but rather lowering herself below others. It is so rare to find that in another person, and I am glad to call her friend.

I often think about writing books, about telling my story so that our children and grandchildren can know me and learn from my life's mistakes and miracles. I also think about writing fiction books, either children's chapter books or books for adults, and having them published. A part of me is too afraid to try, a lot of me is just too undisciplined to even attempt at carving out sufficient time to sit down and write. I can't even keep up with this blog. I often think about what it would be like to have an office to go to where I would just sit down and write, making that my career instead of youth ministry. Often times I long for just that, but I know I can not make the kind of money doing that, that we need to live off of and even when Tim has a job teaching I'm not certain it would create enough income to be worth it, so I don't allow myself to think about doing that too much. I also know that my lack of discipline, my inability to focus, and my lack of trust in people's responses to what I write will work against me. I wrote a Christmas story this fall, but I have no way of knowing if it is something anyone would ever consider publishing as a children's picture book. Most of the stories running around in my head are unwritten because I fear that they have no use to anyone but me.

I know this post was rather random, but still. It was good just to sit down and write for a while.

Broken Girl by Matthew West

The Adventures of Animal Kingdom

Gibson (AKA the court jester):

"Daddy brought home another friend for me to play with... food... My new friend is black like me and talks a lot... food... I try to play with my friend... squirrel... but he didn't want to play with me at first. Last night I cuddled daddy and mommy and guess what?! ... food... my new little friend let me put my head next to him while he slept on daddy's lap... flying geese... Today he let me play with him and his new toy... minibear on the porch... some sort of stick with feathers on the end... food... I try to remember to be gentle cause he's so small... garage door... but sometimes I forget and then mommy yells at me... food... I don't like it when mommy yells at me, it makes me sad... sleep."

Tibby (AKA the princess):

"I don't know why, but my human slaves brought home another cat. It makes no sense, I'm the best and the prettiest, why would they want another one? This one is kind of cute, all black and really little, but not near as beautiful as me. Maybe they brought him home cause he has two full ears, but they always say my half ear is the cutest thing about me, so that can't be it... can it? I DON'T KNOW!!! I'm so confused. I watched him play with the female slave and the big black furry slave who makes me laugh. They were playing with this toy that looks like one I used to have. I kinda wanted to play with it, but I think I'm too old for that and it's uncool... but I still kinda wanted to. They brought home food for the intruder so he doesn't have to share mine anymore, and that's good, but does that mean he's staying? I'm not so sure about this. I suppose as long as he leaves me alone we'll be ok. The slaves keep him locked in the bathroom most of the time so I can still run my kingdom."

Toyota (AKA the new prince):

"I had the scariest adventure the other day! It all started out when it was cold and kind of rainy, so I climbed into this silver thing that was warm and dry, and fell asleep. Next thing I new the silver thing started purring and vibrating and then we were moving really fast!!! It was so scary! When it finally stopped this big man opened the top of the silver thing to let me out and rescue me... I like this big man. Then there was this really big black animal, I think he's a dog but he could be a horse, who wanted to play with me but I was still too scared. A lady showed up and I love her, she held me and fed me, and lets me cuddle her. She gave me a toy today to play with, it looks like a bird on a stick, and I get to chase it around and around until I get tired! I let the dog sleep by me last night and let him play with me today. I'm not afraid of him anymore, I know he's just a big clumsy dog who just wants to be friends, he won't hurt me on purpose. There is also this silver princess cat. She's all grown up and super cool, but she won't let me play with her yet. I think she thinks she is too cool for me. We'll see. I'll change her mind! She already lets me get closer than she used to! Unfortunately they keep me locked in a room most of the time and only let me out sometimes. It's ok though because I can sleep better in the big man's sweatshirt in my room than I could with the big dog. I like this new place, and even though it started out scary, my adventure has given me a new place to live that is warm and dry, with people who feed me and love me, and two other friends for me to play with. I think I'm home for the first time!"

Calling vs. Vocation

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my job, why I'm doing youth ministry, why I'm doing it at Oakwood, and why God put me here where I am. Maybe it's just so I can get Tim through school so he can become what he was meant to be. Maybe it's so I can help specific people, but once that's done I can leave. I'm not seriously thinking about quitting, but it's been on my mind lately. Last night I had a dream that I was able to walk into church, worship, fellowship, and leave feeling rejuvenated rather than stressed. Oh how wonderful would that be?! To be able to be the type of Christian who is able to go to church on Sunday, be revived with the Spirit, go through the week in Christianly love, and show up to church again on Sunday just when you start being worn out... this is my dream! How wonderful would it be if church were a safe place for me, a sanctuary where I could shed the bitterness, the sin, the depravity of life, and instead find righteousness and holiness. Now church is the place I work, it's the place that causes my stress and my anxiety.

Don't get me wrong, I love youth group, I love organizing activities and being with the youth. I can't stand the bitterness of the leaders who are supposed to help me guide my youth on in their walk with Christ. Their bitterness is strangling me and putting stress on our friendships as well as on the working relationship I am to have with them. I honestly don't know what to do about that. Do I just say "your bitterness is strangling me"? How on earth would I ever say that?! I can't say that, so I suppose I'll just shut up and live with it.

My devotions this morning were on calling vs. vocation. The author of it (his name is Os... how odd), stressed that our calling and our vocation are separate. Our calling is to be in relationship with God. Our vocation is our purpose here on earth.Our purpose can change, one purpose can be fulfilled while we begin another. Our calling will never change. If we start saying our calling is our vocation then suddenly we start trying to find self-worth through our job rather than through God. We fall into the trap of locking our identity into our vocation rather than finding our identity in Christ. This is especially difficult for someone in the ministry. Our vocation is about God so everything to do with it should be of the utmost importance right? Wrong. What I do in my youth ministry is not as important as what I do in my life. My relationship with these youth is not as important as my relationship with God. It's not even as important as my relationship with my husband. I was warned once, by a veteran youth minister, to not think of my work as God's work. God does his own work, and even if he chooses to do it through me sometimes, my job is not so important as to interfere with the vows I made before God in my marriage. When I married Tim I made a vow before God, when I signed up to do this job I merely signed a contract between men and women.

I don't really know what I'm saying. I suppose I'm saying that though I don't want to quit this job, that I really do enjoy it (though too often recently it's been "I did enjoy it"), I'm feeling the flickering of burnout. I got an email yesterday with an attachment called "Leaders in Crisis: I Want to Quit" about youth ministry workers feeling the burnout. Burnout is so frequent in my profession, there is too much stress, too many responsibilities, and frankly, too much emotional work that leaks its way into the rest of your life. This little flyer I got laid out some steps to figure out if it's a true burnout or if it's something that is just calling for change in Spiritual life. The steps are to slow down, reconnect with God, identify the pain points, get outside perspective, and decide the next step. The problem is right now isn't exactly the time of year to slow down. My heart hurts. I think this stress is why my acid reflux has come back with such a strong force.

I need a break.

Gimpy... again

So a couple posts ago I talked about how soccer was therapy for my depression... unfortunately it is also causing a need for physical therapy. :( Playing soccer with the Belding kids last night, I took one step towards the ball and felt a distinctive popping tear in my knee, right where I had my surgery. Yup, feels like the meniscus again. I'm starting to think that soccer isn't a good thing for me anymore, that maybe I have to give it up for my knee's sake. Except I don't know that I can do that, I don't have will power strong enough to keep me off the field. How can I quit something I love so much simply because of my knee? The thought of not playing again tears me to pieces, soccer is one of the best things in my life, I love it more than any sane person should. Why is it I have to be the one to give it up? It makes me mad. Walking around the house with crutches frustrates me, I don't know whether to sit down and cry or punch a wall... I often feel like doing both (though I think I hide it fairly well). Beth came home with me last night to fix me a sandwich, get me ice and my leg up, do some of my dishes, and let the dog out and feed him. I don't know how I got so lucky that I can just call someone to bring me crutches and they do so much more. Of course, she also told me I need to stop running around so much, stop being so busy with sports, and actually give my knee the chance to heal. The problem with that is that it's so boring! I can't sit still, I can't stop playing sports and being active! People count on me to be there and I love doing it. How can I let others down and how can I stop doing what I love? I know I sound like a whiner, but I'm frustrated and annoyed, so I think it's acceptable for a little while.

Random Thoughts

My garden is looking better now, or maybe that's just the zucchini. My two jalapeño peppers were eaten through by bugs though and that sucks. None of my other peppers thought it was necessary to grow at the same time as the others and now I have one sweet banana, one sweet tiny bell pepper (not enough of it to do anything with), and one hot wax pepper. What am I supposed to do with those? I have no idea. My tomatoes on the porch have finally started giving me a lot of tomatoes, still not as good as my mom's plants though. The tomatoes in the garden have grown taller but have almost no leaves on them. They, too, have started fruiting, but barely. My onions are looking awesome, my strawberry plants are vining out like crazy, the potatoes are chugging along, and the zucchini are growing marvelously. I must say I'm extremely happy I put my zucchini in cages, they haven't sprawled, and the fruit stays off the ground for the most part. It is also a lot easier to get to the zucchini. I am not happy, however, with the Japanese beetles that have started eating my raspberry plants. I'm not as diligent about my gardening as I was in Naperville when we had to drive to the plot, which is odd since this garden is in my own back yard. I am just rarely home, and when I am it's in the mornings or late at night, my two most unmotivated and unproductive times of day.

Allergies. I hate allergies! I've had them for the past two weeks and they are worse than ever, making me utterly miserable! I get massive congestion headaches, my eyes water or gunk up, I cough up phlegm (which is very painful for my lungs), and my nose is either stuffed or runny. I've been foggy headed because of this and have forgotten simple things because of it. Couldn't find my keys at the softball diamond, we looked everywhere and they were in a zipper-pocket in my purse. I forgot to tell the youth that the river floating cost $6 a piece, so I had to send a last minute email asking them to pay if they were willing, but I couldn't force it. Many payed, some didn't. I'm dumb when I have allergies, they make me forgetful and just plain stupid. They also make me nauseous. Have I mentioned that I hate allergies?

Hulu has been my reprieve for when I don't have books to read. Unfortunately hulu has been freezing on me with regularity. Sometimes it works, but often times it doesn't. I can't tell if it's my connection to the internet or if there is something up with their site. I have the most recent software to watch the videos, it just isn't working. I'm annoyed.

My eyes itch. Stupid allergies.

Soccer Therapy

I forgot that soccer works better than books at working away some depression... I guess books are just easier to come by than a soccer game is. I went out to the Belding practice field tonight to help out with the coaching for the girls and guys who come play pick-up soccer there, and had so much fun doing it. I think the coaches appreciated my thoughts and liked the way I talked to the youth as we were playing the pick up game. I would love to actually work with them with a real practice and have more of them there. We had 15 including the two coaches and myself. It was so much fun being able to just go out there and do what I'm good at without thinking, without planning, without worrying. I get to do it now for the rest of July, every Tuesday and Thursday from 6:30-8:30 pm. I love the game, I love seeing and using teachable moments (though I wish I could play freeze-frame soccer with them so I can do more in-the-moment coaching). In short, it was a blast and it pulled me out of my funk! A good evening after a really crappy day.

Dear Diary...

Again, I don't really have a single, specific topic to write on today, but I wanted to write, to get my totally random thoughts down so that I don't lose them (and yes, I would lose them, possibly forever if I don't write them down).

Mary is back in town again for a bit of the summer. If you don't know, Mary is my older sister who lives full-time in Hong Kong and makes a living teaching in a Canadian Christian international school. Mary and I don't always get along, we're too similar and too different at the same time. Mary and I have a special relationship and it works really well most of the time for her to live on the other side of the world. Don't get me wrong, I miss her a ton, and when life sucks she's usually third on my list of people I want to run to (Tim, Mom, Mary, etc.). We're just both so stubborn in everything we do and our thoughts/beliefs/lifestyles don't always mesh. We also both have a tendency to put each other into neat little boxes and like to think we know the other better than the other knows herself. For instance, today we got on a topic from our past that she thought she knew me well in, and she really didn't. It's amazing how sisters, close sisters both in age and in friendship, could live life together for 18+ years and miss so much about each other. When it came to that topic she claimed "you've yet to forgive on that score"... and I thought about it, and I suppose I haven't fully forgiven the way God does, but I think I've forgiven as close as I can, or at least as close as I can at this point. The pain I feel isn't at all like the pain I've felt in the past, there's no anger, there's no frustration, only sadness, and most of that sadness came from the fact that she didn't recall the reason for my pain in the first place. I know I do the same thing with her, I put her in a little box called Mary, and anything she says or does that doesn't fit in that box surprises me. In any case, Mary's back and I love it, but I know I have to be cautious with her or tempers will flare and we'll be at each other's throats over inconsequential things.

Another thing on my mind is something that is almost always on my mind: children. We watched my cousin's twins this past Saturday, and I loved it. I love being with children, I love caring for them and having them around. One thing I learned (well, I knew it before, this was more of a reminder) is that my house is not childproof! My books are now laying all over the floor of the second bedroom, my decorative sand from my candle piece in the bathroom is now all over the floor of my bathroom, and things are just generally out of place. Despite all that, I really enjoyed being with the girls, they are two of my favorite children ever. Their personalities are so strong already and I can just imagine them as they grow up. Tim really wants twins, and I think we could handle them as long as we have our routines. I really want children, I want to be pregnant again and am able to rejoice in that. I also know that we're going on an international mission trip next summer and taking an infant or being pregnant would not be ideal (to say the least). And yet the longing is back, not quite as strong has it had been before the miscarriage, but it's back again in a healthy way. I still grieve, as I'm sure I will forever, but it's few and far between and it doesn't last longer than a couple minutes. It usually comes when people mention miscarriage or when someone asks me how I'm doing in regards to my miscarriage, but even then it's not bad, I just get a little sad. I do wonder how I would be handling pregnancy at this point, I'd be 5 months along right now, and I wonder if I'd be showing like Carrie did or barely at all like Maria. I miss the child we should have had, and I hate that I'm missing out on those experiences with her/him, but I'm looking forward to the next pregnancy, and I'm anxiously awaiting the time when we can start trying.

Dear Diary...

Since this is my diary, I'm going to treat it as one. Here are a few of the things that have been floating through my mind lately.

I find myself having strange dreams lately. Last night's dream was vivid, and still real after almost 20 hours later. I was on this road, and it was life, and there kept being circles and turns where I had to make a choice as to where I was going next. Sometimes I kept circling around the same places, having to cross the same choices over and over again. For some reason Carrie jumped in the car with me at one point and we were talking about where we were going and if we were ready to go there yet. Then there were other times when I was alone or there were a lot of people in the car with me. Sometimes the road was slow and it felt like I was getting nowhere. Sometimes I was in a sports car that went so fast I had no choice really where I was going. Sometimes I was driving, other times I was a passenger. I've never really been a big believer in dreams meaning stuff in life, I just figure they're mostly just dreams influenced by what has already happened and most of the time they're sporadic without making any sense. This dream felt different. For one, I actually remember most of it, but it also seemed to fit, like there was something I'm supposed to get from it. I don't remember what the choices were, but I do remember the worry, the indecision, the stress of making the choices. I remember one circle in particular, we just kept coming up on this one intersection and I kept going left, certain I was making the right decision, and yet I kept coming back to it. I wish I could remember what that was about.

My house is a mess. My yard is a mess. My office is a mess. My car is a mess. I can't find time to do all this cleaning, organizing, weeding, mowing stuff. When I do have a little time I'm either too exhausted to do what needs to be done, it's too late at night, or I'd rather spend time with Tim instead. I'd love my house to get done, I'd love my garage to have shelves and a workbench so Tim's tools weren't laying all over the floor. I'd love my carpets to be cleaned and my laundry put away (it's folded, just not put away). I'd love my yard weed-free and my kitchen counters and table clutter free. Part of our issue is that we don't have storage space, not true storage space. The other part is that we're just lazy. Why take the softball equipment out of the car when it will need to be back in there in another couple days again? It bothers me, and yet I have no motivation to do all of that stuff by myself.

I've been having tremors again, and I'm getting dizzier more often again as well. I wonder if it is just the heat, if it is stress, if it is exhaustion, or if it is something I'll always have because of the medication mix-up. It's annoying, I have a hard time doing things like typing when it gets bad.

I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately. As a social worker I understand why parents get so much time to change their minds (it's up to 3 months now rather than 30 days), but as a prospective (future) adoptive mother it scares me. I feel like being a foster parent would be less painful and stressful. Going into a relationship with a child knowing that you aren't going to keep the child seems less stressful than thinking a child is yours and having their biological family take them back, take them away. It scares me, and yet I have a heart for it, a longing and a desire to share my love with a child. I often wonder if my child is already born, and pray for that child's safety in his/her travels to me and Tim.

I don't know. These are my thoughts lately. They're all over the place and random, but this is my diary, so who cares?

Life in the Shadow of Death

Our interim pastor's message this past week was titled "Living in the shadow of death". Interestingly enough his message didn't catch my attention near as much as his title. When I saw that title I thought "isn't that just what I've been doing?" Now, his message was nothing close to what I got from the title, he was talking about struggles within an organized church, I was taking the title a bit more literally than that.

I've been living these past few months in the shadow of the death of our child. I've been mourning and grieving and asking why and blaming myself (even when I know it's likely not my fault, it still feels that way). On the last night of our mission trip I got to sleep in a tent with Carissa, just the two of us. We were able to talk, and I was able to share with her some of the things I've been going through. Interestingly enough some of the feelings about wanting to move on to the next stage of life but not being at a point where we can, were feelings we both shared even though the stages we are in are different from one another. Despite that we were longing for different things, the longing itself was so similar. It was something I got to share with her that I haven't been able to share with anyone else other than Tim. It was reassuring.

Today I'm feeling more ready for life. We've got more stress on our plates financially now than we have before, and yet I'm feeling ready again, stronger again. I feel capable of pulling out from under that shadow even knowing it will follow me around, because it won't hover over me anymore.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." - 1 Philippians 4:13

The Garden

I realize that this is the second post of the day, of the morning really, but the first was so melancholy that I wanted to write something else as well. I was reading my friend Christina's blog about her garden and it got me happy and excited about ours! As you can see from the picture, our garden is a decent size, and we've added on to it this year (notice the panhandle section with the dark topsoil). We have a brand new raspberry patch, our strawberries came back in large numbers (we had only planted 5 plants last year), some onions and potatoes popped up on their own this year left over from last years crop, and I've planted a variety of tomatoes and peppers as well as yellow and green zucchini. Eventually, our raspberries and strawberries will have taken over, so we'll have to add more area for the vegetables. We bought a rototiller this year with my mom and brother, which has made things so much easier than last year when I did it all by hand. Our dirt is very sandy at the top and in order to get to any good dirt you have to dig about two feet down. We've also had a few infestations from ants that we've had to take care of. Gibson, our puppy, has a strange habit of rolling in the ant hills and brings the ants inside clinging to his body or inside his ears. Tibby, the cat, loves this because it means she gets to play with them. Of course her version of playing is torturing them to death by slowly tearing off one leg at a time. She does this with flies and moths as well, or any insect that gets inside really.

You will notice that in our panhandle we have the two zucchini, and yes, I'm growing them in cages. You see, almost any plant will grow up if you guide it, and in order to save on space I've decided to try growing a portion of the plants up rather than just letting them sprawl out as zucchini are so prone to do. We'll see how this goes. You also see here the white fencing as well as the lumber barrier. Tim bought me these things for my birthday back in November for our garden this year. While putting it together this spring he said it is like building me my own little play place. I think he is almost more excited about the garden this year than I am! For one, he has helped me more this year, what with the enclosure, rototilling and all that manly stuff. Also, we transplanted raspberries from his sister and his dad's gardens. We'll get a few raspberries next year, and by the following year we'll probably be overrun by berries! There is nothing Tim likes more than fresh berries. We're also going to be acquiring an apple tree in the spring from our friends who own an apple orchard for our yard. We're very excited about that! Tim grew up with an apple tree in his yard, not good for eating off the tree as it was a transparent apple tree (very tart), but excellent for baking. We're hoping for a tree that produces fruit good for both baking and direct eating. We'll see what we get next year.

In addition to the garden, I've also potted two different tomatoes and two different peppers

for on the back deck. Last year's crop was pitiful due to the abnormally cold summer, but peppers have never been my strong suit. I love peppers, but for some reason my plants never get as large as others I know. They also don't produce as much fruit. The only ones I've had much luck with are the banana peppers and the jalapeños. I'm thinking I might need to invest in some of the miracle grow for vegetables to get them larger and healthier, but I almost feel as if that's cheating somehow. You see in this picture that the large tomato plant (celebrity) is so much bigger than the tomato next to it (window box roma), but the roma has some tomatoes growing on it already. The celebrity is starting to flower now as well. The peppers (a sweet banana and a lilac sweet bell) are starting to flower now too. Are you supposed to put miracle grow in when they are already flowering and producing fruit? I'm just not sure. The other peppers I have are a hot Hungarian wax, a jalapeño, and a sweet red bell. I really wanted a hot banana to offset my sweet banana, but last years didn't turn out hot at all. The other tomatoes I have are the sweet 100, a yellow pear, beefsteak, another large beef variety, and the jet star which grows 8 oz fruits. I'm also going to plant some more yellow onions. I've tried to grow red onions as well in the past, but they haven't done so well. My mom says that they don't usually do too well in our climate zone, so I'll just stick to the medium yellows for now. I've also thought about some large white onions, but I've only come across the yellows in the stores. I'm not going to plant any more potatoes than what are growing from last years plot. We just don't eat them enough to make it worth it. I've thought about beans again, but we don't eat them enough either. Why grow something we don't eat much of when we live so near farms and farm stands that sell them cheap for when we do want them? I'm also going to avoid corn again, I really didn't like dealing with the earworms. Those were nasty! We'll see how this years crop grows, and hope and pray for a hot summer!

The Un-Mother

When Abby was born Rocky and Carrie had our friend Marnie there for support, and due to the fact that she is 15 years older than Carrie, the nurses thought she was the Grandma. Afterwards it became a little joke, and Marnie was calling herself Abby's "Un-Grandma". That evolved into a day calling Tim and I her "Un-Aunt" and "Un-Uncle". I was thinking about that today, remembering that before Abby was born, on mothers day, I had had a hard day because it was my first "Un-Mothers Day". I'm an Un-Mother, a would-be mother without a child. I woke up this morning and one of the first things that popped into my mind was that I should be 4 months pregnant today, and I'm not. I should be out of my first trimester and entering my second trimester with my first baby. Lately the grief hasn't been hitting so hard or so frequently as it had been. I've been able to get back into my everyday life, I've been able to focus at work and get things done, I've been able to take care of my husband again rather than just letting Tim take care of me, I've been able to do the laundry and the dishes, and today I was planning on vacuuming. But this morning sucks. I should have seen this coming, I sort of did, but held it off for a while.

Sunday a friend mentioned another woman in the church is pregnant, then remembered who she was talking to and immediately felt bad, but she remembered to ask how I was. Why should she feel bad for mentioning that to me? I should be able to be happy for the people around me who are pregnant, but it made me feel a little mellow and more than a little impatient to get out of there. Monday we went to a Tigers game with some family, including Maria and Rebekah. Tim held Rebekah a lot, same as he did Friday at our regular after-softball-dinner. I was hesitant to hold her when usually I would be trying to steal her from everyone. It's hard sometimes for me to see Tim hold a baby, to be so attentive. He'll be an awesome father, and should have been one 5 months from now. I should have been able to give him that. At Patrick's open house on Wednesday evening, a family friend asked me how I was doing and said "you know what I'm talking about". It was the best thing. People have stopped checking on me. Stopped asking me how I am. It's as if most of them have forgotten, and I realize it can't go on forever, but it's almost as if since they have forgotten I'm supposed to have forgotten as well. I know it's healthy to move on, and I have mostly, but that doesn't mean forgetting, not for me. It seems that with miscarriages it is so easy for people to move on, to say or think "well, that baby was never a part of your life, you never held that baby, you didn't know if that baby was a boy or a girl or have the chance to think up a name" and act as if the baby wasn't real, wasn't a part of me. That's how people treat miscarriages, as if they don't count as loss, or they don't count as much. I also got to see Abby again on Wednesday, though not for long and I didn't get a chance to hold her. My arms felt empty not holding her, I felt empty. It's not that Abby is a replacement for my baby, I'm not going to treat her like one, but holding her gives me comfort, even when leaving her makes me sad. It's the same for Rebekah. Often times it's hard for me to see others hold them, most of the time I want to be holding them, and it's for purely selfish reasons. When they're in my arms I can forget my sadness and remember their parent's joy, and though there may be a little bit of jealousy there, it's not the majority of my feelings. I've been thinking though that maybe it's not healthy for me and that I shouldn't impose upon their lives. So I've been holding back. I haven't been with Carrie as much as we thought I would be, I've found and created other things to do when they ask us over. It's bittersweet, seeing them form a bond with Abby, and I won't lie, it hurts sometimes, though most of the time I'm just happy for them. I don't want to taint what's theirs. I know it's illogical, that they'd disagree with my trying to leave them alone (and probably are at this point since they're some of the only people who read this thing), but I also know that if anyone understands, it will be Carrie.

If Tim weren't in school, he'd be ready to have a baby. This was our timeline when we first were married, 3 years we said, 3 years. A year or so ago we decided that when we were both at the level of wanting a baby 5 days/week, we'd start trying. Well, we're there. I had been there for a while, and now Tim is here too, but we can't now because it would be too stressful with school for Tim and my lack of pregnancy insurance. We know we could do it, our parents did it and did it with less money, and we know we have all of their backing if we need it, but it's the time thing. We have very little time for each other right now, so how could we make time for a baby on top of that? Also, emotionally I don't think I'm ready yet, I want one, but I still need time to continue healing. Most days I'm ready, but occasionally I'm not. Some people don't understand that after a miscarriage another baby isn't a replacement. No child could replace the one I've lost, even though I never got to know my baby. I'll have others, but they will be individuals, not replacements. Each of my children will stand on their own, be important for themselves, be worthy of love because they will be fearfully and wonderfully made, because they will be mine and ours and God's. Beloved already is. I'm excited for the day I meet her or him, know my child, hold her/him in my arms, kiss her/his cheeks, and say hello for the first time.

Most of the time I'm fine. A lot of the time I'm really good. But there are days like today when I feel like I've just been sucker punched in the ovaries.

Tests and Trials

I've been thinking a lot lately about the saying that God tests us. I believe that He gives me situations that help me grow, but I don't think saying God tests us is completely accurate. Look at the book of Job, for example. It is NOT God who does those things to Job, but Satan. Job says "The lord gives and the Lord takes away", but that was his human way of accepting the things that were happening to him. God did not do any of the 'taking away'. As readers we can see more than Job did because we see the background story of the conversation between God and Satan. God allows Satan to do those things without harming Job himself because God knows that Job will pass Satan's tests, but it is not God who is doing it. God allowed it because it made Job stronger, but God Himself did not cause it, He did not need to. God did not need to test Job because He knew already what Job's responses would be. God allowed Satan to do those things, not just to make Job stronger, but to show Satan that a righteous human who is in love with God, is stronger and more powerful than Satan. I can't imagine the sort of fear and frustration Satan experienced as Job continued to worship and praise God throughout all the terrible things Satan did to him, but it must have been a terrible fear, because it made Satan hate Job and all of the righteous.

What frustrates me is when people say after a tragedy that "God does not give us anything we cannot handle". That is well and good, but God does not orchestrate tragedy, that is the devil and Sin's doing. Say that to me when I'm about to enter a new beginning in my life, say that when there is a new challenge and a new calling and I am stressed, but do not say that when it is about tragedy! I can say that to Rocky and Carrie who are having their first baby and are nervous about the new change and the responsibilities that come with parenthood, because that is from God. I can say that to Carissa as she goes from full time student into doing student teaching, because it is a new stage in her life that God is giving her. But to say that when it is something that we have to handle because of some tragedy is wrong. God did not cause my miscarriage, He did not want that for me, He did not want that for my baby, but He allowed it knowing that I am strong enough to face Satan and his doings with praise and worship for my God. He allowed it because the struggle will make me stronger in Him, and in that will make His ministry through me that much stronger and more effective. God is a loving and righteous God, He does not cause harm. He gives me strength to get through the grief and the pain of the loss, but He did not cause that pain. God does not cause pain! As my wise sister once told me, God is a big blob of love, and His love is perfect and never harmful. I'm not certain God would be flattered by being compared to a blob, but I think He gets the meaning of her words.

Now, some might say, why does he allow pain at all? Well, that is because he allows free will. He wants us to choose Him no matter what, and if he took all the pain away then our choice would be easy but untrue. We must be faithful to Him as He is faithful to us. It is in our deepest pain and suffering that we make the honest choice, God or ourselves. God knew what Job's choice would be, but Job still needed to actively make that choice. It is like the topic of forgiveness. God already has forgiven us, He sees us as pure and righteous if we are His elect, Jesus' death made it so. So why do we ask forgiveness? Not because God hasn't yet forgiven us, but because we need to experience that forgiveness for ourselves. In the same way, we need to experience making that choice, a true and honest choice made in the difficult times rather than when it is easy to do so.

God is good, He will not give us more than we can handle, but what comes from God is good, not harmful. When we come to harm or feel pain, it is not God's doing, but Satan's and our own fallen state of being that causes it. God will use it because He can, but He never causes it and He never wants it.

When it rains, it pours...

Sometimes I wonder just why it is that "when it rains it pours" (metaphorically). On top of all the emotional and work-related stress, I now have physical stress. My knee decided it hated me tonight. I took one step to get into the ready-position while playing first base, and felt something behind my kneecap pop and tair. It was the most distinctive feeling I've ever had during an injury. It is now swollen, and I had to borrow crutches from a friend because my crutches are currently being borrowed by one of my youth. I can't put much weight on it at all. I'm icing it right now, hoping some of the swelling will go down, but if I'm right and it is the miniscus, then it's just going to keep filling up with fluid over and over again. I'm so frustrated and angry with myself and my knee. I really do not want to have surgery again, and I really don't want to miss out on playing any of my softball games. It's also just a pain in the butt to try to manuever myself around with crutches. Gibson tried to help me by untying my shoes (he actually did pretty well) and he also made sure to wait at the bottom of the stairs for me to get to the top before he raced up them. I hate trying to move with crutches. As if I wasn't stressed out enough! Really?! Did I need to add this to my pile of things I need to get through?! I don't usually get angry, but I'm so frustrated right now that I'm about to go insane. To put it mildly, this sucks!

Controaholic

So it has been a few days since my last post. I had written another one a couple days ago, but then deleted it because I thought it was too negative. I'm trying to make life more positive by focusing on the positive things. Unfortunately, this doesn't always work. For one, I can't get my logical mind to help me control my illogical emotions and feelings. For another, it's been terribly difficult to find more positives than negatives this past week. I met with a friend/mentor this past week, who could tell just a few minutes into our conversation that I'm emotionally exhausted and in need of a real break. It's more than emotional exhaustion though, it's mental and physical as well. I'm just tired. I also have to deal with this youth service thing tomorrow and then I'm trying to get the mission trip stuff going (contacting the homeowner, ordering supplies, getting money, etc.) and it's the last youth group for the school year tomorrow as well. This youth service is causing me to have small anxiety attacks, my chest gets tight, my heart hurts, and it becomes difficult to breathe. I tried to take a nap today, but couldn't because I was worrying the whole time about how things were going to go and if I'd remember all the stuff I needed to do. I'm seriously thinking about searching for the anti-anxiety medication I got a few years ago and barely even took. But if I did take it then it would be a sign of weakness and I hate feeling or looking weak. In my head I know everything will be fine, but I can't seem to convince my emotions with that logic. Really I just need for Sunday to be over so I can rest on Monday, but then I have to start really worrying about the Sunday school stuff and the mission trip. I need to force a break for myself, but I don't know how to do it. I hate breaks and vacations because there is always more to do once you get back than there was initially, even if I try to get everything done before I leave, more stuff comes up while I'm gone or as soon as I get back. And then there is the issue of actually going somewhere, I would love to go away for a little bit, stay at a hotel with a hot tub, and be physically away so that I can actually be mentally away, but I don't have the money for that. I think I might be too much like my mom in that I can't keep myself from working or worrying about work, but I'm not enough like her to be strong enough to handle that emotionally. Of course it's not all work, with the stuff I've been dealing with personally for the past couple months, and not taking the break when it was really needed, I've created this problem for myself. And because I've created this issue myself, I feel slightly guilty for taking the break, even though I know I shouldn't feel guilty, and that just makes it worse. I get to run away to Illinois next weekend, and I can't wait to see those friends, but I also realize I'm going to need more of a break than that. I might just need to go on a mini Debbie-and-God retreat where I go somewhere and focus on myself and my spiritual health, without anyone else. Or maybe what I need is to go somewhere with Tim, spend sometime just the two of us, because no one gets my mind off of trouble and gets me to relax the way Tim can. What I really feel like doing right now is crying, for no reason other than my emotions are too crazy to do anything else, but crying is a form of weakness and though I know in my head God wants me to recognize my own brokenness so I can accept His care and support and control, but I have too hard of a time giving up that control. Weakness is unacceptable to me. I know this is something that built itself up from my past, and I know it's wrong, but it's still a very big part of me.

Hello, my name is Debbie, and I'm a controlaholic. They say the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem, so here I am admitting my problem. Anyone know the next step?

Responsibility

Definitions for the word "Responsible":
1. answerable or accountable, as for something within one's power, control, or management (often fol. by to or for).

2. having a capacity for moral decisions and therefore accountable; capable of rational thought or action.

3. reliable or dependable, as in meeting debts, conducting business dealings, etc.

It seems that this word keeps popping up in my mind lately. Rocky and Carrie are worrying in their blogs about being responsible for the new baby as well as being responsible as homeowners. Tim has been noted by others recently as having changed into being more responsible when it comes to school work. Responsibility is something that has been weighing on my mind a lot lately. My responsibilities as a Youth Ministry Director and all that the job entails beyond what is in the job description, my responsibility as a homeowner to getting my yard and house into shape, my responsibility to pay my bills, my responsibility to my friends to stay in touch and make time to hang out with them, my responsibility to my and Tim's families, my responsibility to be good to myself, my responsibility as a wife, and most importantly, my responsibility as a child of God. These responsibilities I have keep popping up at me.

One of the things I've found myself thinking about when it comes to work is how well my 8th graders will take to being in the high school youth group and Sunday school next year. Currently, the 8th graders haven't had a lot of responsibility when it comes to listening to me or the other leaders as we have to make them listen; they haven't been held as responsible for their own spiritual life as we've held the high school students. The high school students listen well, they pay attention when I speak to them without talking through me, and they get so involved in the lesson plans and discussions that they take up almost the entire youth group time with that rather than with games and activities. They have taken it upon themselves to be responsible for their actions and thoughts while at youth group. The middle school students, however, must constantly be held responsible by others, specifically by myself and the other leaders.

It's interesting to me how, as we grow, we gradually find ourselves becoming more and more responsible. This seems the natural process of life, I would think, and so I'm constantly surprised when I see stuff going on that shows a slide-back in responsibility. What is it that makes someone who was once responsible become less so? I've thought about this and have come to the conclusion that it must be a significant, and most likely unexpected, change in one's life. Maybe, though, it isn't always that one becomes less responsible, but merely shifts the amount of responsibility one gives to different things. For instance, with the sudden and unexpected change I went through recently, I became less responsible in my job and became more responsible to myself and in my relationships with Tim, friends, family, and God. Not that I didn't get my work done, I just didn't do it as well as I usually do. I'm slowly shifting back to doing my job as well as I used to, though most people didn't even notice that I hadn't done my job as well as I could have. As I go back to being responsible for doing my best at work, I'm trying not to lose the responsibility I've gained in those other areas in my life. I think that this readjustment in responsibility is natural as well, and often good. What is dangerous, I think, is when people who were once responsible for certain things in their lives, lose that responsibility and never readjust to the change that had happened, or take so long in their attempts to readjust that it hurts and hinders them in their relationships with other people.

What is also dangerous is when people are supposed to be responsible for things and do not actually hold themselves accountable for the things they do or do not do, or the things that happen as a reaction to what they've done or not done. Obviously we all do this at one time or another, but it gets especially sticky when it is people in a role of leadership. I was never one who wanted to be a leader, I have always been happy in life being in the background without any actual power. There is a quote from the 7th book of Harry Potter that says something about how the people best suited for leadership (power) are those who have never sought it. Ironically, the book worm and wall flower is now the one who has to direct and lead. The one who never wanted to make decisions for herself, now is in a position where she has to make decisions for many. That responsibility weighs heavy upon my shoulders, and I fear that I may not fully meet all the requirements of that responsibility, as so many before me have not. I also worry that if I delegate out my responsibility, that those I delegate to will not be able to hold to their responsibilities, and thus I will feel utterly irresponsible for the things they have not done. I'm a control freak when it comes to my job, and I see it in myself in other areas of life as well. For instance, when we play soccer, I feel responsible for the defense, and so I have a hard time going up on offense. When it comes to other areas of life, I get the same way. Responsibility is weighing me down. I think it's about time I cut the ties between responsibility and control. I need to be responsible for the things I can be, and give the control to God. Not as easy as it sounds, but I'm going to try.

Practice

I decided to start this blog for two reasons. First, I thought that it might be good to start a blog for our youth group page on our church website, but I wanted to make certain it would be something I was capable of doing and willing to keep up with. The second, and more important, reason is to get back into my hobby of writing. I've been out of practice and recent happenings in my life have made me decide to get back to it. As Flannery O'Connor once said "I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say." For me, there is no statement more true than that. Sometimes I might write about the adventures Tim and I have (we do have a great many of these after all), or I might write about my personal feelings or thoughts, but I think mostly I'll just write about nonsense. Why nonsense? Because it is quite fun! Who wants to live a sensible and boring life when you can live a life of utter nonsense and have fun with it? Or maybe I will keep my nonsense to myself for a while longer. We shall see, I suppose.