Mary is back in town again for a bit of the summer. If you don't know, Mary is my older sister who lives full-time in Hong Kong and makes a living teaching in a Canadian Christian international school. Mary and I don't always get along, we're too similar and too different at the same time. Mary and I have a special relationship and it works really well most of the time for her to live on the other side of the world. Don't get me wrong, I miss her a ton, and when life sucks she's usually third on my list of people I want to run to (Tim, Mom, Mary, etc.). We're just both so stubborn in everything we do and our thoughts/beliefs/lifestyles don't always mesh. We also both have a tendency to put each other into neat little boxes and like to think we know the other better than the other knows herself. For instance, today we got on a topic from our past that she thought she knew me well in, and she really didn't. It's amazing how sisters, close sisters both in age and in friendship, could live life together for 18+ years and miss so much about each other. When it came to that topic she claimed "you've yet to forgive on that score"... and I thought about it, and I suppose I haven't fully forgiven the way God does, but I think I've forgiven as close as I can, or at least as close as I can at this point. The pain I feel isn't at all like the pain I've felt in the past, there's no anger, there's no frustration, only sadness, and most of that sadness came from the fact that she didn't recall the reason for my pain in the first place. I know I do the same thing with her, I put her in a little box called Mary, and anything she says or does that doesn't fit in that box surprises me. In any case, Mary's back and I love it, but I know I have to be cautious with her or tempers will flare and we'll be at each other's throats over inconsequential things.
Another thing on my mind is something that is almost always on my mind: children. We watched my cousin's twins this past Saturday, and I loved it. I love being with children, I love caring for them and having them around. One thing I learned (well, I knew it before, this was more of a reminder) is that my house is not childproof! My books are now laying all over the floor of the second bedroom, my decorative sand from my candle piece in the bathroom is now all over the floor of my bathroom, and things are just generally out of place. Despite all that, I really enjoyed being with the girls, they are two of my favorite children ever. Their personalities are so strong already and I can just imagine them as they grow up. Tim really wants twins, and I think we could handle them as long as we have our routines. I really want children, I want to be pregnant again and am able to rejoice in that. I also know that we're going on an international mission trip next summer and taking an infant or being pregnant would not be ideal (to say the least). And yet the longing is back, not quite as strong has it had been before the miscarriage, but it's back again in a healthy way. I still grieve, as I'm sure I will forever, but it's few and far between and it doesn't last longer than a couple minutes. It usually comes when people mention miscarriage or when someone asks me how I'm doing in regards to my miscarriage, but even then it's not bad, I just get a little sad. I do wonder how I would be handling pregnancy at this point, I'd be 5 months along right now, and I wonder if I'd be showing like Carrie did or barely at all like Maria. I miss the child we should have had, and I hate that I'm missing out on those experiences with her/him, but I'm looking forward to the next pregnancy, and I'm anxiously awaiting the time when we can start trying.
To be quite honest, I was surprised by how much sadness I experienced when my pregnancy finally became real to me. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade Abby for anything and I think she came at the perfect time in our lives, but there is something to be said about grieving the loss of the freedom I once had. Even something just as simple as running in and out of the post office becomes a lot more difficult when you have someone else to take with you. And it really was because of Abby that we couldn't make it to our good friend's wedding last weekend. So while "the longing is back" -- and I know how that feels -- you're blessed to have the freedom to go on mission trips and do other traveling, so enjoy it while you can! :) (it's a lot like "grieving your singleness" when getting married -- I actually cried the week before our wedding because while I loved Rocky so much I also knew I wasn't going to be independent anymore)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear your how your grief process is going. While it will never completely go away, it sounds like you're healing. The first year is definitely the most difficult, as you watch different milestones go by (being X months along, holidays, due date...). I still have a tough time twice a year -- the end of August, when my first mc happened, and the first couple weeks of March, when my second mc happened and my first due date would have been.
While I'm sure life would be crazy-wonderful with a 4-year-old right now, and the pain and grief we've experienced is not how God intended, I truly am thankful that Rocky and I had 5 years together -- on our own -- before Abby came along. Please try to make use of every opportunity you can right now -- both in your own personal life (hobbies, etc.) and in your marriage. Grow that foundation. Because it's a whole nother lifestyle/culture once kids enter the picture. Especially with twins I'm sure. ;)