I find myself having strange dreams lately. Last night's dream was vivid, and still real after almost 20 hours later. I was on this road, and it was life, and there kept being circles and turns where I had to make a choice as to where I was going next. Sometimes I kept circling around the same places, having to cross the same choices over and over again. For some reason Carrie jumped in the car with me at one point and we were talking about where we were going and if we were ready to go there yet. Then there were other times when I was alone or there were a lot of people in the car with me. Sometimes the road was slow and it felt like I was getting nowhere. Sometimes I was in a sports car that went so fast I had no choice really where I was going. Sometimes I was driving, other times I was a passenger. I've never really been a big believer in dreams meaning stuff in life, I just figure they're mostly just dreams influenced by what has already happened and most of the time they're sporadic without making any sense. This dream felt different. For one, I actually remember most of it, but it also seemed to fit, like there was something I'm supposed to get from it. I don't remember what the choices were, but I do remember the worry, the indecision, the stress of making the choices. I remember one circle in particular, we just kept coming up on this one intersection and I kept going left, certain I was making the right decision, and yet I kept coming back to it. I wish I could remember what that was about.
My house is a mess. My yard is a mess. My office is a mess. My car is a mess. I can't find time to do all this cleaning, organizing, weeding, mowing stuff. When I do have a little time I'm either too exhausted to do what needs to be done, it's too late at night, or I'd rather spend time with Tim instead. I'd love my house to get done, I'd love my garage to have shelves and a workbench so Tim's tools weren't laying all over the floor. I'd love my carpets to be cleaned and my laundry put away (it's folded, just not put away). I'd love my yard weed-free and my kitchen counters and table clutter free. Part of our issue is that we don't have storage space, not true storage space. The other part is that we're just lazy. Why take the softball equipment out of the car when it will need to be back in there in another couple days again? It bothers me, and yet I have no motivation to do all of that stuff by myself.
I've been having tremors again, and I'm getting dizzier more often again as well. I wonder if it is just the heat, if it is stress, if it is exhaustion, or if it is something I'll always have because of the medication mix-up. It's annoying, I have a hard time doing things like typing when it gets bad.
I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately. As a social worker I understand why parents get so much time to change their minds (it's up to 3 months now rather than 30 days), but as a prospective (future) adoptive mother it scares me. I feel like being a foster parent would be less painful and stressful. Going into a relationship with a child knowing that you aren't going to keep the child seems less stressful than thinking a child is yours and having their biological family take them back, take them away. It scares me, and yet I have a heart for it, a longing and a desire to share my love with a child. I often wonder if my child is already born, and pray for that child's safety in his/her travels to me and Tim.
I don't know. These are my thoughts lately. They're all over the place and random, but this is my diary, so who cares?
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