Life in the Shadow of Death

Our interim pastor's message this past week was titled "Living in the shadow of death". Interestingly enough his message didn't catch my attention near as much as his title. When I saw that title I thought "isn't that just what I've been doing?" Now, his message was nothing close to what I got from the title, he was talking about struggles within an organized church, I was taking the title a bit more literally than that.

I've been living these past few months in the shadow of the death of our child. I've been mourning and grieving and asking why and blaming myself (even when I know it's likely not my fault, it still feels that way). On the last night of our mission trip I got to sleep in a tent with Carissa, just the two of us. We were able to talk, and I was able to share with her some of the things I've been going through. Interestingly enough some of the feelings about wanting to move on to the next stage of life but not being at a point where we can, were feelings we both shared even though the stages we are in are different from one another. Despite that we were longing for different things, the longing itself was so similar. It was something I got to share with her that I haven't been able to share with anyone else other than Tim. It was reassuring.

Today I'm feeling more ready for life. We've got more stress on our plates financially now than we have before, and yet I'm feeling ready again, stronger again. I feel capable of pulling out from under that shadow even knowing it will follow me around, because it won't hover over me anymore.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." - 1 Philippians 4:13