The Adventures of Animal Kingdom

Gibson (AKA the court jester):

"Daddy brought home another friend for me to play with... food... My new friend is black like me and talks a lot... food... I try to play with my friend... squirrel... but he didn't want to play with me at first. Last night I cuddled daddy and mommy and guess what?! ... food... my new little friend let me put my head next to him while he slept on daddy's lap... flying geese... Today he let me play with him and his new toy... minibear on the porch... some sort of stick with feathers on the end... food... I try to remember to be gentle cause he's so small... garage door... but sometimes I forget and then mommy yells at me... food... I don't like it when mommy yells at me, it makes me sad... sleep."

Tibby (AKA the princess):

"I don't know why, but my human slaves brought home another cat. It makes no sense, I'm the best and the prettiest, why would they want another one? This one is kind of cute, all black and really little, but not near as beautiful as me. Maybe they brought him home cause he has two full ears, but they always say my half ear is the cutest thing about me, so that can't be it... can it? I DON'T KNOW!!! I'm so confused. I watched him play with the female slave and the big black furry slave who makes me laugh. They were playing with this toy that looks like one I used to have. I kinda wanted to play with it, but I think I'm too old for that and it's uncool... but I still kinda wanted to. They brought home food for the intruder so he doesn't have to share mine anymore, and that's good, but does that mean he's staying? I'm not so sure about this. I suppose as long as he leaves me alone we'll be ok. The slaves keep him locked in the bathroom most of the time so I can still run my kingdom."

Toyota (AKA the new prince):

"I had the scariest adventure the other day! It all started out when it was cold and kind of rainy, so I climbed into this silver thing that was warm and dry, and fell asleep. Next thing I new the silver thing started purring and vibrating and then we were moving really fast!!! It was so scary! When it finally stopped this big man opened the top of the silver thing to let me out and rescue me... I like this big man. Then there was this really big black animal, I think he's a dog but he could be a horse, who wanted to play with me but I was still too scared. A lady showed up and I love her, she held me and fed me, and lets me cuddle her. She gave me a toy today to play with, it looks like a bird on a stick, and I get to chase it around and around until I get tired! I let the dog sleep by me last night and let him play with me today. I'm not afraid of him anymore, I know he's just a big clumsy dog who just wants to be friends, he won't hurt me on purpose. There is also this silver princess cat. She's all grown up and super cool, but she won't let me play with her yet. I think she thinks she is too cool for me. We'll see. I'll change her mind! She already lets me get closer than she used to! Unfortunately they keep me locked in a room most of the time and only let me out sometimes. It's ok though because I can sleep better in the big man's sweatshirt in my room than I could with the big dog. I like this new place, and even though it started out scary, my adventure has given me a new place to live that is warm and dry, with people who feed me and love me, and two other friends for me to play with. I think I'm home for the first time!"

Calling vs. Vocation

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my job, why I'm doing youth ministry, why I'm doing it at Oakwood, and why God put me here where I am. Maybe it's just so I can get Tim through school so he can become what he was meant to be. Maybe it's so I can help specific people, but once that's done I can leave. I'm not seriously thinking about quitting, but it's been on my mind lately. Last night I had a dream that I was able to walk into church, worship, fellowship, and leave feeling rejuvenated rather than stressed. Oh how wonderful would that be?! To be able to be the type of Christian who is able to go to church on Sunday, be revived with the Spirit, go through the week in Christianly love, and show up to church again on Sunday just when you start being worn out... this is my dream! How wonderful would it be if church were a safe place for me, a sanctuary where I could shed the bitterness, the sin, the depravity of life, and instead find righteousness and holiness. Now church is the place I work, it's the place that causes my stress and my anxiety.

Don't get me wrong, I love youth group, I love organizing activities and being with the youth. I can't stand the bitterness of the leaders who are supposed to help me guide my youth on in their walk with Christ. Their bitterness is strangling me and putting stress on our friendships as well as on the working relationship I am to have with them. I honestly don't know what to do about that. Do I just say "your bitterness is strangling me"? How on earth would I ever say that?! I can't say that, so I suppose I'll just shut up and live with it.

My devotions this morning were on calling vs. vocation. The author of it (his name is Os... how odd), stressed that our calling and our vocation are separate. Our calling is to be in relationship with God. Our vocation is our purpose here on earth.Our purpose can change, one purpose can be fulfilled while we begin another. Our calling will never change. If we start saying our calling is our vocation then suddenly we start trying to find self-worth through our job rather than through God. We fall into the trap of locking our identity into our vocation rather than finding our identity in Christ. This is especially difficult for someone in the ministry. Our vocation is about God so everything to do with it should be of the utmost importance right? Wrong. What I do in my youth ministry is not as important as what I do in my life. My relationship with these youth is not as important as my relationship with God. It's not even as important as my relationship with my husband. I was warned once, by a veteran youth minister, to not think of my work as God's work. God does his own work, and even if he chooses to do it through me sometimes, my job is not so important as to interfere with the vows I made before God in my marriage. When I married Tim I made a vow before God, when I signed up to do this job I merely signed a contract between men and women.

I don't really know what I'm saying. I suppose I'm saying that though I don't want to quit this job, that I really do enjoy it (though too often recently it's been "I did enjoy it"), I'm feeling the flickering of burnout. I got an email yesterday with an attachment called "Leaders in Crisis: I Want to Quit" about youth ministry workers feeling the burnout. Burnout is so frequent in my profession, there is too much stress, too many responsibilities, and frankly, too much emotional work that leaks its way into the rest of your life. This little flyer I got laid out some steps to figure out if it's a true burnout or if it's something that is just calling for change in Spiritual life. The steps are to slow down, reconnect with God, identify the pain points, get outside perspective, and decide the next step. The problem is right now isn't exactly the time of year to slow down. My heart hurts. I think this stress is why my acid reflux has come back with such a strong force.

I need a break.