Responsibility

Definitions for the word "Responsible":
1. answerable or accountable, as for something within one's power, control, or management (often fol. by to or for).

2. having a capacity for moral decisions and therefore accountable; capable of rational thought or action.

3. reliable or dependable, as in meeting debts, conducting business dealings, etc.

It seems that this word keeps popping up in my mind lately. Rocky and Carrie are worrying in their blogs about being responsible for the new baby as well as being responsible as homeowners. Tim has been noted by others recently as having changed into being more responsible when it comes to school work. Responsibility is something that has been weighing on my mind a lot lately. My responsibilities as a Youth Ministry Director and all that the job entails beyond what is in the job description, my responsibility as a homeowner to getting my yard and house into shape, my responsibility to pay my bills, my responsibility to my friends to stay in touch and make time to hang out with them, my responsibility to my and Tim's families, my responsibility to be good to myself, my responsibility as a wife, and most importantly, my responsibility as a child of God. These responsibilities I have keep popping up at me.

One of the things I've found myself thinking about when it comes to work is how well my 8th graders will take to being in the high school youth group and Sunday school next year. Currently, the 8th graders haven't had a lot of responsibility when it comes to listening to me or the other leaders as we have to make them listen; they haven't been held as responsible for their own spiritual life as we've held the high school students. The high school students listen well, they pay attention when I speak to them without talking through me, and they get so involved in the lesson plans and discussions that they take up almost the entire youth group time with that rather than with games and activities. They have taken it upon themselves to be responsible for their actions and thoughts while at youth group. The middle school students, however, must constantly be held responsible by others, specifically by myself and the other leaders.

It's interesting to me how, as we grow, we gradually find ourselves becoming more and more responsible. This seems the natural process of life, I would think, and so I'm constantly surprised when I see stuff going on that shows a slide-back in responsibility. What is it that makes someone who was once responsible become less so? I've thought about this and have come to the conclusion that it must be a significant, and most likely unexpected, change in one's life. Maybe, though, it isn't always that one becomes less responsible, but merely shifts the amount of responsibility one gives to different things. For instance, with the sudden and unexpected change I went through recently, I became less responsible in my job and became more responsible to myself and in my relationships with Tim, friends, family, and God. Not that I didn't get my work done, I just didn't do it as well as I usually do. I'm slowly shifting back to doing my job as well as I used to, though most people didn't even notice that I hadn't done my job as well as I could have. As I go back to being responsible for doing my best at work, I'm trying not to lose the responsibility I've gained in those other areas in my life. I think that this readjustment in responsibility is natural as well, and often good. What is dangerous, I think, is when people who were once responsible for certain things in their lives, lose that responsibility and never readjust to the change that had happened, or take so long in their attempts to readjust that it hurts and hinders them in their relationships with other people.

What is also dangerous is when people are supposed to be responsible for things and do not actually hold themselves accountable for the things they do or do not do, or the things that happen as a reaction to what they've done or not done. Obviously we all do this at one time or another, but it gets especially sticky when it is people in a role of leadership. I was never one who wanted to be a leader, I have always been happy in life being in the background without any actual power. There is a quote from the 7th book of Harry Potter that says something about how the people best suited for leadership (power) are those who have never sought it. Ironically, the book worm and wall flower is now the one who has to direct and lead. The one who never wanted to make decisions for herself, now is in a position where she has to make decisions for many. That responsibility weighs heavy upon my shoulders, and I fear that I may not fully meet all the requirements of that responsibility, as so many before me have not. I also worry that if I delegate out my responsibility, that those I delegate to will not be able to hold to their responsibilities, and thus I will feel utterly irresponsible for the things they have not done. I'm a control freak when it comes to my job, and I see it in myself in other areas of life as well. For instance, when we play soccer, I feel responsible for the defense, and so I have a hard time going up on offense. When it comes to other areas of life, I get the same way. Responsibility is weighing me down. I think it's about time I cut the ties between responsibility and control. I need to be responsible for the things I can be, and give the control to God. Not as easy as it sounds, but I'm going to try.