Hello, my name is Debbie, and I'm a controlaholic. They say the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem, so here I am admitting my problem. Anyone know the next step?
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Controaholic
So it has been a few days since my last post. I had written another one a couple days ago, but then deleted it because I thought it was too negative. I'm trying to make life more positive by focusing on the positive things. Unfortunately, this doesn't always work. For one, I can't get my logical mind to help me control my illogical emotions and feelings. For another, it's been terribly difficult to find more positives than negatives this past week. I met with a friend/mentor this past week, who could tell just a few minutes into our conversation that I'm emotionally exhausted and in need of a real break. It's more than emotional exhaustion though, it's mental and physical as well. I'm just tired. I also have to deal with this youth service thing tomorrow and then I'm trying to get the mission trip stuff going (contacting the homeowner, ordering supplies, getting money, etc.) and it's the last youth group for the school year tomorrow as well. This youth service is causing me to have small anxiety attacks, my chest gets tight, my heart hurts, and it becomes difficult to breathe. I tried to take a nap today, but couldn't because I was worrying the whole time about how things were going to go and if I'd remember all the stuff I needed to do. I'm seriously thinking about searching for the anti-anxiety medication I got a few years ago and barely even took. But if I did take it then it would be a sign of weakness and I hate feeling or looking weak. In my head I know everything will be fine, but I can't seem to convince my emotions with that logic. Really I just need for Sunday to be over so I can rest on Monday, but then I have to start really worrying about the Sunday school stuff and the mission trip. I need to force a break for myself, but I don't know how to do it. I hate breaks and vacations because there is always more to do once you get back than there was initially, even if I try to get everything done before I leave, more stuff comes up while I'm gone or as soon as I get back. And then there is the issue of actually going somewhere, I would love to go away for a little bit, stay at a hotel with a hot tub, and be physically away so that I can actually be mentally away, but I don't have the money for that. I think I might be too much like my mom in that I can't keep myself from working or worrying about work, but I'm not enough like her to be strong enough to handle that emotionally. Of course it's not all work, with the stuff I've been dealing with personally for the past couple months, and not taking the break when it was really needed, I've created this problem for myself. And because I've created this issue myself, I feel slightly guilty for taking the break, even though I know I shouldn't feel guilty, and that just makes it worse. I get to run away to Illinois next weekend, and I can't wait to see those friends, but I also realize I'm going to need more of a break than that. I might just need to go on a mini Debbie-and-God retreat where I go somewhere and focus on myself and my spiritual health, without anyone else. Or maybe what I need is to go somewhere with Tim, spend sometime just the two of us, because no one gets my mind off of trouble and gets me to relax the way Tim can. What I really feel like doing right now is crying, for no reason other than my emotions are too crazy to do anything else, but crying is a form of weakness and though I know in my head God wants me to recognize my own brokenness so I can accept His care and support and control, but I have too hard of a time giving up that control. Weakness is unacceptable to me. I know this is something that built itself up from my past, and I know it's wrong, but it's still a very big part of me.
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Come to believe that a Power (God) greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.
ReplyDeleteAnd step 3, if I remember correctly from my mother's Al-Anon training she shared with me:
ReplyDelete3. Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God
Check.
But make sure to do it every day again and again. Do it every panic attack. I've been getting those attacks -- same symptoms you described, every day for the past three or four weeks as Baby's due date gets closer (Oops, is past!) The power of prayer helps. Even when I don't know what to pray -- it helps letting things go up to God and telling him that.
I must say I disagree with "[medicine] is a form of weakness", "Crying is a form of weakness." or "Weakness is unacceptable". Maybe you've been watching too much Chuck Norris? (His tears can cure cancer, too bad he doesn't cry)
Except for Tim, whose only medicine is a 15 mile run, properly prescribed medicine is totally acceptable for both physical and mental ills.
I've seen crying work wonders for my wife, and I, in improving our overall days when tough things happen. Crying is a totally legitimate expression of emotion -- as much a part of a healthy life as laughing. Crying is letting go. Releasing pressure so as to keep from exploding. Remember the monkey who never let go of the cookie got stuck with his hand in the cookie jar.
And while I can't tell you how YOU feel about your weakness, I can say confidently that God's view of weakness seems more accepting. It is when we are weak that he makes us strong (2 Cor 12). He saves (2 Sam 22:28) and guides (Psalm 25:9) and sustains (Psalm 147:6) and exalts (Luke 14:11) and gives grace and lifts up (I Peter 5:5-6) the humble. Cast all your cares upon him because he cares for you! And my God, who can do immeasurably more than we can think or imagine, will meet all your needs according to his riches in Christ Jesus, our Lord.