Dreams

I must confess how terrible I've been in regards to my writing, both on this blog as well as outside of it. I haven't written a thing lately. I either don't have the time, don't think to write, or decide to fill up my free time with things like reading on my kindle or watching shows on hulu. I'm starting to understand why many churches give their pastors and their other pastoral staff sabbaticals. I could use one right about now. Not because I need the rest or because I need a break from my job, no, I need a sabbatical so that I can do some of the other things I want to do but don't have the time or the diligence to do them while working a full time and a part time job as well as being a wife, a daughter, a friend, and a woman. Lately the time I have in which I can be myself, I fill with reading instead of writing. I know I'm putting it off, and I even know why I'm putting it off, and the reason and the fact that I'm allowing myself to do that bugs me... and yet I don't change it. As Flannery O'Connor says "I don't know what I think until I read what I write." I suppose lately I have no idea what I think. Maybe I just don't want to know what I think.

I told the youth group kids to answer these questions for themselves: What do you dream? What do you value? What do you live for? These are my answers:

I dream about becoming a mother, and yet the thought scares me a little. Frankly, I'm a lazy person. I don't want to do cloth diapers because then I'd have to do laundry just for the diapers at least 2 times a week. No thanks. I want to send my kids off to a licensed day care so that I don't have to deal with them every minute of every day. Is that awful? Is that selfish? All I know is that I need time to myself frequently. Of course there are other reasons I want my children to go to day care early in life as well, but still. I also dream about writing, not just journaling or an occasional article, no I want to WRITE. I want to be an author. I want to write books that people love to read. I just don't know WHAT I want to write. Fiction? Fairytales? Christian inspiration, either fiction or non-fiction? Books for other youth pastors or books geared toward youth? I have no idea. I guess that is one of the reasons I'm struggling with writing. I don't know what I want to write, so I just don't write. Of course, I'm also afraid nothing I write will be good enough to publish. I'm not very good at self-critique.

I value family. I don't value friends as much, probably because to me my best friends become family. I value time to myself, just being on my own. I value my relationship with God, but it's purely selfish and really only grows when I'm in need of something. I value my relationship with Tim and I value Tim himself. I worry sometimes that I don't value those things as much as I should. I also value being dependent. That's not something most people value, but I like it. I like not knowing everything about everything. I like being able to just say "here, Tim, you do it". As much as I like being in control at work, I value being able to let Tim have control at home. I'd rather not have it. It's a weird thing to value, but I do value my dependency on others.

What do I live for? Sunday school answer? Jesus. Real answer? Yes, Jesus is definitely in there, but I also live for my family (which includes my closest friends), and the youth I work with. Maybe I'm lazy because I find myself living for others, and when it comes to myself, meh... who cares? I don't know.

On a totally different topic:

I would like to help coach the soccer team at Belding, but there are some obstacles in my way. The first one is, what if I need to leave for a game earlier than I get out of watching Abby? I can't take her on a bus. Soccer is volunteer, watching Abby is a paid position. Also, I really enjoy watching her. Practices shouldn't get in the way since the coach doesn't start them until after 5pm, but that might get in the way of having time with Tim since his practices for track will go until 5. Also, I don't see myself as being a very good assistant coach to anyone, especially a non-vocal coach whose purpose in coaching is more to further his daughter than to win. I don't know that I will like the way he runs practices, the drills he does, or his lack of expectations for the players. I would have an incredibly difficult time working under someone with little to no leadership skills. And yet, I long to do it and would love nothing more than to be able to coach... I'm just not sure I'd want to assistant coach.

Maybe I just want to do too much, or at least, do too much right now.